Let’s go for a swim
Whether you’re taking a dip in the backyard, heading to the lake or auditioning for Jersey Shore: DFW, you’re going to need a swimsuit. Good thing the AG’s here to help you look sharp, because let’s be honest—when your shirt comes off, you’re going to need as much help as you can get.
The beauty of a good-looking swimsuit is just that—it’s good-looking. It’s not about what’s in style, what your friends are wearing or anything else, but rather what looks good on you. One of the AG’s swimsuits wouldn’t necessarily look good on a short, chubby friend nor a tall, skinny friend. It’s made to fit the AG, not you.
Everything a gentleman keeps in his closet—with the exception of deep, dark secrets and neckties—should be made to fit him. This doesn’t mean bespoke tailoring for everything down to your dress socks, but it does mean that you should only buy clothes that fit you well. Swim trunks are no different.
As for selecting a cut, you’ll have to defer a little less to the aforementioned advice and look to style. Here’s the breakdown…
First, let’s knock out the red flags. Anything—ANYTHING—that hits below the knee must be avoided at all costs. Unless you’re trying to look like Turtle or hide a Glock, there’s no reason for any of that nonsense. The same goes for the ultra high-cut suits. Nobody wants to see your business when you’re standing on the high dive trying to impress Mom. Those two might be obvious, but here’s one that seems to escape even some of the nicest guys the AG knows: white swimsuits. Really? Most of us spent our teen years praying for a monsoon each time we saw a girl wearing white, yet somehow you think it’s OK for you to wear it at the pool? Yikes. Things just turned PG-13…
Half the battle is simply sidestepping the pitfalls listed above, so from here, it’s pretty simple. Stick with solid colors and simple patterns—none of this screen-printed crap that looks like you’re about to step into the Octagon. Strong colors like blue, orange and green stand out, but in a good way. Tan looks weird, black is boring and red = Hasselhoff.
The flat-front/eyelet style of classic board shorts looks best, but beware, they have the opposite effect on heavier guys. Just like with trousers, if you try to pull off the flat front look and have 20 extra pounds around your stomach, that skin’s got nowhere to go but over the top. Not good, my friend. Not good. Ralph Lauren and Brooks Brothers swimsuits’ stretchy waistbands look like something your dad should wear, so try to find something with a flat front that has some give. If you’ve got the cash, get your hands on this classic design from Hartford, updated with tuxedo-inspired side tabs to adjust the waistband after you’ve had too many hot dogs—or beers.
Last but not least, make sure you are, in fact, wearing a swimsuit. Don’t go to a pool party in fishing shorts, REI hikers, stand-ups or [especially] gym shorts. These are not swim trunks. Period.
Time to get yourself into a proper swimsuit*, make your way to the water and start living life better.
*Getting out of said swimsuit is just as essential. The AG encourages you to go skinny dipping with some attractive female(s) whenever possible. Life’s short, gents.